Monday, 7 May 2012


Genesis I

After God created the heavens and the earth he rested to admire his work.  Then he moved on.  He had much tweaking to do on his creation.

In 1938 he returned to Earth to see how his local experiment was coming along. He was pleased to discover that two of his little projects, Adam and Eve, whom he had told to go forth and multiply  had done just that.  

Passing through Vancouver, Canada he had what has been called a "Ten Commandment Moment" and  drafted a zoning ordinance.  The City Council  proclaimed the bylaw but, like Moses, they were just taking dictation from the Supreme One.

“Thou shalt subdivide thy land into parcels which shall be 33’ wide and 130’ deep and the parcels shall be all oriented in the same direction. And thou shalt build thy house in the middle of the lot. And in the back and front yards which shall have sunlight  thou shalt grow fruits and vegetables and the trees of the earth shall take root.”
Thou shalt not construct secondary residential buildings in the yards so as to block  sunlight to thy neighbours yard. [See Do unto others etc.]

God saw that his  Zoning bylaw was perfect.  When it had passed third reading he felt secure in the belief that humans, plants and animals could thrive in their yards, without his supervision.  God left Earth for a trip to Andromeda where he  was building a synaptic muon intransigizer.

Vancouver developed gloriously with its parcels oriented to the Sun in rows. Yards were filled with herbs, trees and flowers. It became so popular that neighborhood groups sprung up  bearing names like, "Help discourage one Easterner from Coming West Club." It had become almost to livable.

Genesis II

In a quantum universe all things occur simultaneously. Now it came to pass that in the early Jurassic period God got the idea for the Slinky. It had amazing properties. It was not alive but it could move down stairs without benefit of arms, legs or wheels. With the sweep of his arm, God made millions of Slinkies and pushed them off of the top of Mount Ararat.  Their decent amused him but he regretted that once they reached the bottom they just spent eons wobbling in the breeze. 

That was the reason he created Adam and Eve. Their cosmic purpose was simply to carry Slinkies to the top of the mountain and let them loose. When the two of them weren’t busy begetting children they were chortling at the little tumblers. 

Then God had another idea. If Slinkies could be designed to move uphill on their own, humanity could do something else like play saxaphones and evolve to a higher plain. So under God's guidance Slinkies evolved into snakes.  God liked their means of propulsion.

God considered Adam and Eve as pleasant simpletons. He did not want them to get hurt by knowing to much. He didn't push. On the other hand he misjudged snakes. He thought of them as twice as funny as Slinkies because they could  perpetually slither up and down stairs. He saw them as clowns. He missed entirely their cunning!

A lineal descendant of the  snake that got Adam and Eve evicted from heaven arrived  in Vancouver.  Mr. Snake slithered into the Council Chambers in the form of a consultant.  He suggested that they repeal  God’s  Zoning Ordinance.  Easily taken in by reptilian  logic and without consultation they  amended the ordinance to allow houses to be built in back yards.

As expected light from the sun was blocked from yards. Viruses attacked herbs. Apples rotted and fell from trees. Grapes withered on the vine.  Trees that flourished in back yards were cut down to make way for the houses. Carbon Dioxide levels increased. Parking decreased.

The gloom that settled over the City happened  at the worst possible time, just when the Creator himself was here to receive the valuable advice and suggestions of Dr. David Suzuki. Dr. Suzuki had not actually been present at the creation but he felt that if he had been invited he would have made some valuable suggestions. God took careful notes of the discussion.

After the meeting God went for a jog around Stanley Park and picked up a news paper. He found out that mankind had breached the provisions of the Holy Zoning Bylaw from an Article in the Vancouver Sun:

Alexis Lum is building a laneway house in his parents’ backyard for three reasons: It’s more affordable than a two-bedroom apartment; he can rent it out if he decides not to live there; and he can have privacy and independence from his parents, while being close enough for regular family dinners. “I do love mama’s cooking,” he said, adding that he’s sharing the investment with his brother, Antoine, 31. Lum, 28, is a French secondary school teacher at Southpointe Academy in Tsawwassen.

God and David Suzuki both exist in a quantum state, fully independent of time and space. Both of them are capable of being in many places at the same time. Both are able to simultaneously have contradictory thoughts. The thought that Alex Lum would contravene  holy zoning induced a paroxysm of rage in God. Not since he turned Lot's wife into a pillar of salt for looking back at Sodom and Gomorrah (two cities which had lousy site planning) had the Supreme Being felt such malevolence. He was so angry that he hurled an asteroid at Lum's back yard house.   

Although God can easily pass through time warps, aiming a rock at a small house through a warp is, even for Him, a challenge.  The rock actually was thrown 20 million years ago. He aimed at the spot where Alex Lum’s house was calculated to be  when, in the future, he built it in contravention of the Heavenly Ordinance.  It landed near the Dunbar Library and was discovered in the course of repairing a sewer.  God then directed the City engineer to deposit the rock on Mr. Lums house with him in it.   

The engineers  used the wrong coordinates and placed it in the Dunbar Park next to a playground where the house was originally supposed to be and not where it actually was.  The Residents felt that the rock had come from God but misinterpreted his purpose.

The Lums should not count on God missing his second shot.

Jonathan Baker 7 May 2012 AD

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